You'll Wear It Out
by B00
Summary: Rimmer is going to wear it out, Lister thinks he wants to see something, and much talk of the truly, truly crazy but not real crazy just a disappointed Lister.  Warning: Slash, wanking, and disturbing talk


Title: You'll Wear It Out

Fandom: Red Dwarf

Pairing: Rimmer/Lister

Word Count: 3900

Rating: Hard R

Summary: Rimmer is going to wear it out, Lister thinks he wants to see something, and much talk of the truly, truly crazy but not real crazy just a disappointed Lister.

Warning: Slash, wanking, and disturbing talk

Disclaimer: I don't own Red Dwarf and I won't be accepting any money for this.. God help the person who thinks it worth something.

Note: Any part that you like is because scribhneoir1 is made of awesome and sprinkles awesome dust on every thing she touches. The misspellings, bad grammar and crap story line are mine.

If it wasn't for the biggest Red Dwarf fan (mr.B00) I wouldn't have even tried. So you can blame this on him..

Ships Computer:

As the days and nights drag on, seemingly the same, we are becoming increasingly more confused with our calendars. Just last week, or maybe it was yesterday…or was just minutes ago? Well, we wound up celebrating Christmas and Easter at the same time. It all worked out as chocolate bunnies and chocolate coins are similar concoctions with one vital ingredient, chocolate.

Message ends.

Additional

My fight continues but it seems that the chartreuse knight is losing. Message ends

Message ends.

Additional Additional

Crazy talk is sometimes just crazy talk and crack is always red dwarf, it goes without saying right? Right? Sometimes I think no-one is even listening to me. Hello?

Message ends.

Dave Lister groaned and tried to bury his head further under his pillow in a futile attempt to drown out the relentless squeaking of the bed springs from the bunk below. It didn't work.

"Smegging hell!" Lister half-yelled, half-moaned in exasperation. This delicate balance of pissed off, frustrated and downright seething had been honed by living with his bunkmate, Rimmer, for the past three million years.

Pulling his head out from beneath it's protective cocoon, he yelled "Rimmer!". Only to be ignored. "RIMMER!" he tried again, the increased volume and ire made the name sound like a terminal and rather gruesome affliction rather then name.

"What? What? I didn't hear you I was…I was…" Rimmer stuttered. "I was doing my pushups," he said as he hopped from the lower bunk onto the floor and started to do the regulation jerks. "Never a bad time to get fit, eh Listie?" he said as he dissolved into the mantra of one-two, one-two.

"Rimmer, I know you weren't doing smeggin' pushups. I know all too well what you were doin'. Now give it a rest before you break it." Lister said to the ceiling above his bunk but the irritated instruction was nonetheless directed at Rimmer. However it really didn't matter if he'd been speaking to the ceiling, his bunkmate or that dirty sock in the corner. Not one of them was paying the slightest bit of attention.

"You can't break hard light. That's one of the beauties of it." Rimmer said as he stopped his late night mini-workout.

"I wasn't talkin' about your hard light; I was talkin' about your cock."

Rimmer paused for a moment before he ducked back down to sit on the edge of his bunk biting his knuckles, as one does when caught out. Rimmer, not one to ever know when to shut-up, said, "Alright you got me. I wasn't doing regulation jerks."

"Yeah, well it was jerks, just not regulation," mumbled Lister.

"But I wasn't doing anything wrong, unless you're one of those weird 'don't look at anyone naked not even yourself' people from the church of the blindfold. Weird bunch they are," Rimmer said, nodding in agreement with himself. Because he's an unimaginative bastard he felt now was the time to dredge up that same old tired whine of "you don't know what it's like to be dead and not able to touch anything not even your self for three million years."

True, he had been dead for three million years but most of that was spent being actually dead as in really, really dead not even as a hologram. No one ever corrected him on this point seeing how only one second spent in Rimmer's presence felt like a fortnight. So at this point it was just a matter of semantics.

"Oh here we go," Lister said in a mock whiney voice, "I'm dead. So now that I can touch myself I have the right to keep everyone up all bloody night."

Rimmer stood up to make his point. "I just got the hard light last week. So average out a few times over 3 million years it comes to something very close to hmmm… never. So yeah, I never do it, so I don't even know why we are having this conversation about something I never do," he said using a mix of math and logic that couldn't and shouldn't ever be mixed.

"Shut-up and go someplace else to wank." said Lister .eloquently

"Why should I go? This is my bunk and, if you don't like it, you should go someplace else!"

"You know I can't. Since we've been low on supplies Holly has turned off the environmental controls in the other parts of the ship."

"Then I suggest ear plugs."

"Smeggin' hell. Why can't you leave it alone for one bloody night? It's not like I won't have to take over controls in…" Lister said as he paused and searched under his blanket for his alarm clock, pulling out a half eaten sandwich and a pair of black suspenders before finding the elusive object of his search. "Smeggin' hell, 3 hours" he said as he flopped back down.

"Three hours you say? That will be right about the time I would have come to a thoroughly enjoyable ending to a marvelous evening."

"Yes, 'marvelous' listening to you, you're acting like some thirteen year old who saw his sister's knickers. I'm just asking for three smeggin' hours! Can't you just control yourself so when I take the controls I can tell the difference between a fart and a space pocket? Please I'm just asking, no I'm begging you, to act like a real and true bunk mate and Shut…The…Smeg…Up and put it away. You've been doing it non-stop so just, I don't know, just resist the temptation of your right hand."

"Aaaah Listie, you have no idea. With the hard light everything is just so…" Rimmer said with a faraway look, "perfect."

"You're telling me that it's…" Lister said as he made the standard motions known the world over for wanking. "better?"

"In a word, yes. You see the hard light only takes on my visible classic good looks and my superior intellect…"

"Your mile wide yellow streak" interjected Lister

"As I was saying, the non-essential anatomy are left blank to conserve resources, it can also be designed and enhanced by the ship's computer or, in my case, me." Rimmer said with a smug look.

"Holly let you design your own cock?"

"Not just any cock, an ingenious design, a superb," Rimmer said as he kissed his finger tips on his right hand before fanning them out in a majestic manner, "work of art if I do say so myself."

"And you do," Lister mumbled more to himself then anyone, "What is it because it's two feet long or something?"

"See that's where you're wrong. With no women on board I only have myself to think of and I don't want something that's going to make me have to work too hard and stretch my arm too far."

"Even if we had women on board you would still only have yourself to think of. So how big is it then?" Lister asked.

"Nine inches or so."

"So yeah, okay, large but not freakishly big, you surprise me. So what makes this cock so superb?" asked Lister, mocking Rimmer's voice and complete with kissing his finger tips in that very distinctive 'Rimmer' way.

"To fully understand you would have to see it, nothing like it."

"Does it have four bollocks and two knobs?"

"Nope and nope."

"What then?"

"I told you Lister you would have to see it," Rimmer said as he walked back to his bunk and lay down folding his hands behind his head looking smug and rather pleased with himself.

The room fell into calm quiet for just a few moments, about the exact length of time that such calm quiet ever lasts.

Lister said, "you know Peterson said one time that if he was ever promoted to God, and got to design a new cock, he would make it like a retractable extension cord. You know, you would just pull out what you need. He said he would have it go up to three feet so that you suck your own cock, but if you were in a bar fight you could retract the whole thing up. You know, for protection like."

"Peterson was an unimaginative, baboon's ass."

"Give me a look." Lister said after a moment of two.

"No, it's private."

"I just want to see how someone like you would design a cock."

"Tough, it's mine."

"Rimmer, who else are you going to show your 'work of art'? It will forever be unseen and unappreciated."

Rimmer paused uncharacteristically deep in thought.

"Okay Lister, I'll show you but you can't laugh or go on about how you would have done better or say anything at all really."

"Okay, my lips are sealed."

Rimmer got up from his bunk and slowly lowered his regulation white boxer shorts. There, nestled between his legs in all its glory, was the cock that he so lovingly designed.

The cock was a nice specimen but, all-in-all, rather a disappointment. The length, while relatively modest, was long enough but really not inhumanly so. The color was healthy and uniform. It had a smooth shape and centered vein that ran the length. On the whole, Lister found himself unimpressed. He only had a fleeting thought about why he should be impressed with any cock at all. His slight confusion was placated by the idea that three million years in deep space will do all kinds of things to your head.

The confusion was far less disturbing than when Cat showed him how he color-coordinated his cock and pants using a silk ribbon. That was truly disturbing. Made even more so by the fact that he never asked to see it. Regardless the two incidents were the some total of his knowledge of other men's cocks. Seeing how he didn't color coordinate or think he had a work of art between his legs, he surmised using statistics that he was in fact the normal one. This was a wonderful new feeling.

Looking back down at Rimmer he began to notice a soft, low hum, not unlike the hum of an automated bog roll dispenser. Lister jumped down from the upper bunk to get a closer look.

"See? Perfection. Natural perfection. If I wanted it to look weird it would have been…weird," Rimmer said with a dismissive wave of his hand.

"It hums." said Lister.

"See? That's it, it's always the same with you isn't it? I work hard to make something really special for myself and you just mock it."

"Rimmer, what do you want to me say? It's a humming cock. Natural cocks, human cocks, naturally-grown human cocks, don't hum."

"Did you ever think of asking me why it hums or what it does? No, you have no imagination, you would have said 'Holly I want a two foot cock' and left it at that wouldn't you? Well some of us plan, look to the future, think about how to make something that one would never grow tired of. It hums, Lister, because it also constantly vibrates."

"Why does it vibrate with no women on board?"

"It vibrates for me Lister. For me. I feel it constantly vibrate. I feel it vibrate in my pants, against my bollocks. I'm constantly aware of it. I feel it all the time. I can never forget that I have a wonderful cock."

"What, so you used to forget that you had one?"

"You know that's not what I mean. And I might add no mess after."

"So that's why you can't leave it alone? It vibrates and you don't have to get up to get another bit of bog roll."

"That and the one last secret," Rimmer said, after a pause.

"What then?"

"I also have a cunt," Rimmer caved very easily. Never one who could keep a secret about himself or anyone else or even security for that matter. Hence the week spent dodging the gelfs because Rimmer couldn't keep his mouth shut about the dog they had on board. Sad for the dog too.

"Get out of town."

"No really, I do. It only comes out when I'm really excited, it just kinda pops out, or in as it were."

"So does that mean you can, you know, go fuck yourself for real?"

"It's a cock, Lister, not a double jointed gymnast"

"So can I see it then?"

"You're looking right at it, it's right here in front of your face. See? See?" said Rimmer as he did a little shake with his hips causing his cock to slap against each thigh in a truly unappealing way.

"No not that, the cunt, I want to see the cunt."

"No," he said still standing in all his glory.

"Come on. I haven't seen one for more than three million years."

"Lister, I have to be excited, really excited, I can't do that while I'm looking at your face." Rimmer gave a little shudder at the thought.

"Come on you can just sit on the edge of your bunk and you know," Lister said as he wanked the air.

"No! Even you should be able grasp the concept of no. Seems to me you should understand it seeing how many times Kochanski said it pretty much around the same topic I might add."

"You can go at it all night long keeping me awake but as soon as I want you to do it you can't? It's not like I haven't heard you every smeggin' night for that last week."

"It's different with you looking at me; It makes me feel like some kind of sideshow freak"

"Rimmer, you ARE a side show freak. Come on just sit down relax a bit and start flogging."

"Start flogging, oh that's gonna set the right feel, really you're not doing yourself any favors."

"I can set the mood for you if that's what you need."

"Lister when I say 'set the mood' I'm not talking about you lighting your farts on fire as you bang out some noise on your guitar".

"Hey I only did that one time and as soon as she said she meant a candle I put the lighter away."

"Anyway it not about setting the mood, I'm not some kind of woman you know."

"Yeah everyone knows you're not any kinda of women or man for the matter. Why don't you put that away while we discuss this." said Lister suddenly realizing how long he had been staring at it.

"Put it away? You're the one who wants to see it, how did you say, get flogging."

"Well not really, I just want to see the cunt," Lister said, wondering if it was true.

"Well you can't, it's kinda a package deal."

"Okay, okay you're right," said Lister wondering what had happened to him that he was begging to see Rimmer wank. Maybe he didn't know himself as well as he thought. That idea was quickly dashed as Lister thought that if he knew how he liked his eggs fried rather than scrambled then he knew himself pretty damn well.

"Lister, do you really think I would put myself in some kind of position to be blackmailed? I can see it now, 'Rimmer you go in to the incredibly dangerous situation where you might not come out or I'll tell the cat and this here strange slimy creature that I saw you wank like some spotty little git."

Lister paced, forgetting his brief ambivalence of 30 seconds ago, and went over his best options on how to convince Rimmer to wank in front of him so that he could see the cunt. It'd been a long time and this could be his only opportunity ever again to see a normal, normal being relative, cunt. He knew that Rimmer didn't do anything for free. Every action needed to somehow appear like he was winning. He needed to make him feel at the very least equal and uninhibited. Then it came to him. If equality would help, he would do it.

"How about if I wank too?"

"You think some kind of 'you show me yours I'll show you mine' is going to make me change my mind. I'm not twelve you know?"

"Yeah I know, twelve year olds don't wet themselves when they see one of my socks on the floor."

"That's it, I'm done with this conversation. Besides Lister it moved, it moved with no foot in it," Rimmer said oddly forgetting that his cock was still hanging out.

"Come on, it's not like we both don't know what the other one gets up to. You're always going on about how we don't like you and how we don't bond. Well, watching me wank has to count for some kind of bond. At the very least a blackmail stalemate."

"Hey now this could be something," Rimmer said as he paced the length of the quarters with his index finger resting over his lips. "Not really a stalemate because you are nothing short of begging me to…"

As the word 'begging' was spoken Lister with hit with something similar to a wet rotten fish. Only he wasn't, it was confusion that had hit. Normally when confused he asked Kryten or Holly. But this was something personal. In such dire cases Lister always fell back on forcing himself to contemplate the truly important things. Important things like how many hot dogs he could fit in his mouth at the same time. Twenty seconds later the number three was drifting happy through his mind.

"It could also be interesting in a purely scientific way. Sure they don't ask this kind of thing on the engineering exam but learning new techniques could be a benefit," Continued Rimmer speaking to no one as Lister had now moved on to wondering if he could get his nose and tongue in a lager bottle at the same time.

"Okay you're on, now how are we going to do this?" Rimmer finally agreed. Lister, to his credit, perked up at "you're on". The two little words that had cost countless people their dignity especially after not paying full attention. As Lister has lost his dignity long ago, it was hardly an issue at this point.

"I don't know, whip it out and just go at it I guess."

"I hardly think that is going to help with logistics." said Rimmer.

"Well I don't know, this is all kinda new for me ya' know."

"Okay, how about we both sit on the edge of my bed."

Lister sat as was suggested. He fished in his long johns till he found what he was looking for. Then both men stared at their laps. Had they had an analogue clock it would have been ticking loudly, the silence grew longer as nothing else did.

"I think we need some motivation," suggested Rimmer, "It looks like 'whip it out and go at it isn't working."

"I know, how about women's nude jelly wrestling?"

"Nah, that only makes me hungry."

"Okay, how about we both get pissed, that always helps me." suggested Lister.

"This is not a date; I'm not going down to the ship pub to watch you get pissed. I just want to get this over with. I also don't want to be seen out with you, for one thing you dress like a homeless man." said Rimmer, oblivious to them being alone in deep space for a second.

"Well I don't know, I'm out of ideas, you think of something, and not organ music definitely not organ music."

"Okay no organ music." Rimmer said.

"I know," said Rimmer snapping his fingers, "how about the Flintstones, you know one of the ones that has a lot of Betty and Wilma in it?"

"Yeah, yeah, alright that would work, but you only get to look at Betty, Wilma is mine."

"Holly!" Lister yelled to the blank screen on the wall just over the hide way bog.

"What is it? As you can see I'm very busy," said Holly through his medieval jousting helmet.

"What are you doing Hol?" asked Lister with a long-suffering sigh, hoping he wasn't fighting the AR machine. They got on well most of the time but when they fought…

"What do you mean 'what are you doing Hol?' You know how senile he is, he could be thinking that this is his pajamas." Said Rimmer

"Hey come on now, I'll have you know I was doing some very important work, important dangerous work." said Holly.

"Okay then, what were you doing?" asked Lister.

"I don't remember but it was very dangerous or I wouldn't be dressed like this, would I? At least I'm dressed for company. Now put that away before I throw up. It's damn hard to get vomit off all the screens…one gets hit they all get hit."

In reply Rimmer asked very slowly and far too loudly, "Holly. Cue. Up. The. Flint. Stones."

"Aw come on, not that again. You're going to wear it out." said Holly lifting his visor as the screen was hit with a way word lance.

"You can't wear it out, it's hard light." said Rimmer.

"I was talking about the vid. I don't know what you were talking about and frankly I don't want to know."

"Just do it Hol. I want to… watch it before I go to sleep; I have to be up soon."

"You would get a whole lot more sleep if I didn't cue it up."

"Just do it Hol."

"Okay, okay there it should start as soon as I'm a safe distance away."

As the ship's computer, Holly had gotten the opportunity to see any number of amazing things. Watching the evolution of the Cat race being one. Not to mention asteroids shaped like perfectly symmetrical breasts complete with nipples which, oddly enough, had happened a surprising number of times. This however was not such an opportunity. This was NOT a yabba dabba doo time for him. It was find something else to do time.

OOOOOOOO

"Cunt you said, 'No mess' you said. I should have known better then to trust you. Aaa! Now I'm going to have to live the rest of my life with a memory of that. Yeah, I said Life, LIFE, rest of my LIFE, Rimmer, life because I'm alive." ranted Lister.

"I see, how it's going to be then? I twisted your arm? I made you come up with this idea on you own? I see how it is Lister. If you decide your idea was bad you just blame it on Arnie."

"Rimmer any guy, a real guy, a mate would have been honest. They wouldn't have a told a man who hasn't see a women in three million years that he was about to see a cunt."

"Well Listie if the small puddle on the floor," Rimmer said gesturing to Lister's stained long johns, "is any indication, you had a pretty okay time I would say."

"Whatever you think Rimmer. I'm going to bed, no nightmare could be any worse than that." Lister said as he climbed up to his bunk. "Lights." He said before the room was suddenly only lit by Rimmer's Mickey Mouse night light.

Lister stretched out on his bunk while Rimmer crawled into his lower bunk. After a few moments Lister broke the silence.

"Hey, are you going to talk to Holly tomorrow about your cock design idea?"

"Yes, indeedy."


End file.
